Just recently I landed on
a website commemorating a girl who committed suicide last year, on her 15th year, as a result of bullying in school.
As I went through the blog entries of her parents and the comments left by the visitors, it made me reflect on my own painful memories. The same age, 14-15, 7th and 8th grade were the most difficult time for me in my life. How I got through them, I still don't quite know. They are long behind me, but still I bear the scars.
Those are on my self confidence. For longest time it was totally impossible to speak to people, going in front of class giving a presentation seemed like living hell. The reason was that in my mind, I was absolutely sure I was bound to make a screw up and everyone would start laughing and mocking me.
That's absurd, I know. But that's how the years of getting shit for equally absurd reasons affected me. Even if it wasn't for bullying, I was very lost in life, like most of us are in adolescence.
The bullying also made me be real asshole to my family, to my mother and to my brother. It was just the symptom how bad I was feeling inside. Of course it wasn't their fault, not at all. But when I pretty much dreaded each new school day, those feelings have to come out.
I don't remember talking with my mom back then about it. But as sensitive as she is, I'm sure she knew. But how can you help a person who is deep inside his shell, refusing to be helped?
On the website, the girl's parents write about finding and exploring through her diary that was full of her pain. They had no idea of that. The girl even wrote that she didn't want to add her parents' worries. That is simply heartbreaking.
I never even contemplated hurting myself, however I can understand the pain that leads to that decision of despair. The reason why I survived was probably that I've always had friends. That balanced out the crap I had. I don't think I touched the issue of bullying with them either. My reason was the same: I didn't want to ruin the good times.
By the time the basic school was over and I got into high school, the environment was new, the classes were new and things got bit by bit easier. Still today the bullying casts a shadow over my behavior these days. I think I can shake it off completely one bright day. I don't want to live as a hostage of my past.
Funny thing is I don't feel hate or anger towards the bullies. That would require energy and I don't want to give them one more bit of my life. I've just cut them out. Don't care one bit how their doing in their lives.
So this was my story. Not unique in any way, unfortunately. If you've never experienced bullying, consider yourself luck. If you have been a bully, I hope you understand now how serious affects can that "bit of fun" have. If you have been bullied, you know exactly what I'm writing about.
